I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
