you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
