what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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