Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
