im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
