Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
