My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
