Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Randomize
