so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
