i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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