Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Randomize
