Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
