Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
