next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
