i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
