he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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