We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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