His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
