guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
