Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
