Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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