I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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