My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
