Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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