awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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