I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
