So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Randomize
