I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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