good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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