Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
My ass is underappreciated
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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