i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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