dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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