I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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