if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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