I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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