The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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