The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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