I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
you guys were way drunker than both of me
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier