so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I have poison ivy on my dick
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.