on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
