Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
