It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Randomize
