i'm lost and i look like a hooker
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I have feelings that need drinking.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
