I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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