Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
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The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
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Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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