Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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