I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
We are two peas in an std pod
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
