Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
