I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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