I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
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