im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Bring me that man meat
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
