my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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