I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
