my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
